You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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