apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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