It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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