dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
