I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
