Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
