You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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