Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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