life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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