Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
