my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
everyone is single if you try hard enough
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
