stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
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I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize