hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
