All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
