if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Can i not drive my cunt home
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
