mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
