Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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