Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
