i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
