I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
