I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
