I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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