I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
