my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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