everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
