Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
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