You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
