i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was born a porn star she said
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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