My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
