I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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