i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I cockslap morals
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
