I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
two words...techno handjob
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
