the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
