I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
