jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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