It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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