i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
