god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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