I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
