Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
