Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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