the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
