I want to stick my p in your. b.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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