I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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