just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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