you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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