when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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