Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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