I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
