I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Your penis caused this!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
