I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
