On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
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This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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