I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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