Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
