ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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