We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
