She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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