your room smells of hookers.
And success
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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